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2006-08-30 - 3:32 p.m. **This was one of the first "essays" about him that I remember reading. It was written by a board acquaintance... and it completely blew me away!
An explanation for the effect he has on women... using comparative biology. By TL Gray Now we've all heard the comparisons and descriptions. The "geek" that turned "chic." The string bean. The "bound for Broadway" voice. I recall adjectives that made me laugh outright like "elfish" and even "effeminate." Gladys Knight called him an enigma. She called him magical. She called him pure. If I had my way, I'd call him my baby's daddy, but that's another article. So shy all the funny descriptions? Well, I would venture a guess that all these sorely lacking words arose because no one has taken the time to think of something better. So, I decided to put my brain and knowledge of biology to use to explain this phenomenon once and for all. And for those hitching a ride on the Clay Train, like "The Rock" you'll smell what I'm cooking here. For those of you who might not know who "The Rock" is, he's the professional wrestler-turned-silver-screen-actor that looks alarmingly like Rob Schneider on steroids. The male mammal, particularly the human male, could take a few lessons from the courting behaviors of the anurans (true frogs) and one species in particular. Why is that you might ask? After reading my attempt to explain the effect a certain green-eyed, slim-Jim, southern-comfort crooner (who has an admitted fondness for fried chicken and sweet tea) has on women, you might just nod your collective heads in agreement. First off, I can't think of Clay Aiken without thinking of those green eyes. I admit it. I am a complete sucker for green eyes. Hey, even if on is missing you still have a chance with me. OK, I'm getting off-track here. Back to the business of biology. Genetically speaking, green eyes are the least likely to surface. It's a recessive trait, like the one for red hair. Interesting enough, they tend to surface together. There are a lot of things, as far as genes go that have to align a certain way for that trait to come out. So, right off the bat with those verdant irises, you should know there is something unique about Clay. One anuran in particular comes to mind when I think of Clay Aiken; the Green and Black Mantella from Madagascar. Initially, I thought of this diminutive little frog because of the striking green saddle on the back and the glossy black skin reminded me of the colors in Clay's eyes. When I poured over the pages of my "Field Guide to the Frogs of Madagascar," I saw some other similarities to Clay. Then when I really thought about it, I had a bit of an epiphany and got the idea for this article. So why on earth does a little Mantella Frog make me think of Clay Aiken? And why the Green and Black Mantella instead of the Green Mantella? Sure the Green Mantella is greener all over, but it is the mating and courtship of the male Green and Black Mantella that conjures up images in my head of Clay singing "Solitaire." Besides, the totally Green Mantella is green to the point of being gaudy, and anyone that has ever been wooed by the subtle smoothness of Clay Aiken knows the difference.
 The males of this species are sly. They are shy, or at least they lead you to believe they are. Their call is soft and earnest. Even over all the other chatter of the rainforest the female hears the gentle chirping of the amorous male and she finds him. If she is gravid (bearing eggs), she will lower her head showing her willingness to continue with the courtship. So what does the male Mantella do next? Does he grapple with her in inguinal amplexus (a opulatory embrace practiced by frogs) right away and then hop off to find another receptive female? Nope. He approaches her slowly, looking down, and then back up at her to assert her acceptance. He repeatedly chirps to her. Then he rests his chin on her head and continues chirping for quite some time. Even hours. Talk about foreplay. Ok, simmer down ladies. The point here is he doesn't need to do all that. She's ready to mate. He's wooed her. But he still does it. Why? Like Clay holding that last note during his performance of "Everlasting Love" for nearly 20 seconds, he does it because he knows he can! Anyway, after the intimate and delicate chin-chirping has ended, the male and female engage in a playful hopping behavior, jumping over each other and placing an un unwebbed foot here and there, sometimes on a face, sometimes the head, sometimes the back (insert your favorite concert "Invisible" performance here). So after all this, the amplexus finally takes place, the eggs are laid, and then the male guards and tends to them. He stirs the next gently to roust the tadpoles form their eggs when the time is right. He carries them on his bak to standing water where they can develop into froglets, then into mature and healthy frogs that can venture out and make their own mark on the world. Now if that doesn't sound like Clay, I don't know what does. So here's my official vote to change this Mantella's name to Mantella clayaiknensis. Maybe this unique behavior develop in the Mantellas because of their isolation on the island of Madagascar. Since they weren't exposed to the frenzied mating habits of some of their relatives, it never occurred to them to do it another way. Or maybe they did and discerned the lack of class and taste in it all. Here's the reality of it. Successful mating requires physical fitness on the part of the male in order to show the strength of his genes (or jeans, in Clay's case) otherwise the female won't receive him. After all, only the strongest survive according to Darwin and why on earth would a female reproduce with a male that is less than ideal? Might I venture a guess and say as the French would it is "en milieu a" which means "for a lack of something better?" To further illustrate my point here, this is the same reason males and females in prison are said to engage in homosexual acts. They ain't got nothin' else! Successful courtship calls require proper breathing technique to manipulate the diaphragm to produce a strong and clear mating call. It requires a strong vocal sac to sing properly as well as the knowledge on how to use it to attain the best sounding song. It also requires finesse and timing. Need I say those are a few essential traits sorely missing in the mating rituals observed in some mammals? Let's face it, a guy sauntering across the room in drooping tighty whites scratching his ass and looking at you impatiently while muttering "Hey let's do this" like he's doing you a favor isn't exactly romantic. Ok, now that some of you may be worked up into a froth much like the bubble nest of an African Reed Frog, here's my explanation for the biology behind the Clay Aiken phenomenon. Hormones that trigger mating responses are produced in the hypothalamus and synthesized in the pituitary gland. In humans, the production of these hormones can be triggered by several things, the main one being detection of pheromones. Those are the oddly alluring chemical signatures that make you want to get closer to someone. Or make you write your phone number on a pair of red panties and fling them on stage. In frogs, it's usually a sudden rainstorm in early spring (Clay's AI2 for example). That, followed by the unignorable call of the male (for me it was his rendition of "Somewhere Out There.") There for me lies the biggest clue as to this phenomenon. It's the sound, the reverberation of Clay's voice on the inner tympanum. That effortless vibrato emitted coupled with that earnest look in his eyes. I think it stimulates egg production, or the production of something. How can you deny that it is this sonorous cry signaling that somebody, somewhere is getting ready to be gettin' busy.
But why Clay? There are lots of other "frogs" out there that want our attention. I think it is because that powerful vibrato-laced tenor voice goes right into your bones, up your spine and into your brain and through auditory stimulation opens the floodgates for oxytocin. What in the world is oxytocin? According to The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, forth edition, oxytocin is "A short polypeptide hormone released from the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland, that stimulates the contraction of smooth muscle of the uterus during labor and facilitates ejection of milk from the breast during nursing." Hmmm. Oxytocin also has other roles in the female body, one of which is when it is released in human females during mating (or intercourse for that matter), usually prior to or during orgasm that creates an emotional connection with the experience. In other word, we feel clay, on the inside. Single, divorced, married, eighteen to eighty, doesn't matter...
On a more salacious note, Clay is the official Pied Piper for love for millions of women. He represents what we really want. A genuinely good guy that's easy on the eyes and on top of that he can flat out sing. We want to be romanced. We want to be moved. clay serenades us. It doesn't matter what he sings, the undergarments would still sail through the air like the Santa Maria cross the Atlantic. Another substance produced in the posterior lobe of the hypothalamus and synthesized in the pituitary gland is called vasopressin, which stimulates expansion of the capillaries and arteries, increases blood pressure, and has antidiuretic effects. In other words, Clay gets our blood up. For some adoring fans, he gets blood flowing in places it hasn't flowed for years, which is probably why we hear/read all the "Clay is Female Viagra" lines.
The effect in this instance is delivered through auditory and visual stimulus, instead of orally by a drug that is metabolized in the liver and delivered to the blood stream. Since it looks like I'm the first one to observe this, I'm going to do what most scientists get to do and name it. So I hereby dub this effect "The Aiken Sonorous Tenor Effect," or for those of you who prefer acronyms, "T.A.S.T.E." And since no new condition is complete without a scientific jargonized name, I'll assign it the name of Syndromis Aikenensis Vosaureus Effectus, or ... S.A.V.E. Roughly translated, it means the "Aiken Golden Voice Syndrome Effect." As a bonus, the only side effects will be sore fingers from responding to emails and lost time pouring over message boards. And maybe a crick in the neck or two. Oh, and for you Yankees or city folk, a crick is a kind of charlie-horse or cramp. Hey, I am from Indiana afterall.
So guys, take a lesson from Clay Aiken and the Green and Black Mantella. Be patient. Be caring and gentle. Be subtle and earnest. Be honest, humble and secure in your abilities, your faith and your attributes. Your talent. Turn off the Henry Rollins band and Metallica for once and play some Clay Aiken. And maybe you too, could get buried nightly under a mound of red panties. Or at least one pair.
**Disclaimer: Now while I did my best to accurately explain my hypotheses here, I am not a trained scientist, and keep in mind that is just that, a hypothesis. There is no direct scientific evidence to support my theory, but I'm thinking if someone took the time to research it, they'd confirm my suspicions. After all, you can't argue with biology.
Graphic embellishments added...
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